If you have made it this far in the farce, I commend you, your mental fortitude is most likely greater than mine. Then again, I never claimed it was high, I just claim mental instability and being caught in the undulations of insanity and sanity is what keeps me going. . . . or wiggling, or squirming? I’m never sure anymore, but I know that I enjoy it now. Riding the waves of my own brand of, whatever this is, keeps me entertained, to say the least.
So to continue where we left off in the epic, or at least epic in my own mind – then again it doesn’t take much, I remember this time I watched a blade of grass outside for a solid 45 minutes crafting a story of romance and betray with a rain drop.
With the Oculus software freshly installed and every sensor and headset with a plug in their respective plugs I was finally able to fire it up for the first time. I waited with bated breath as I double clicked on the deceptively simplistic icon and bided my time. Slowly the program began to boot and work its magic. Running through all the self checks, verifying that everything is where it should be. This is where we hit a snag, it turns out that while the headset and primary sensor need to be plugged into USB 3.0 slots, the other sensors only need USB 2 slots (cue not so subtle whimpering on my part). The only problem with this was that my microphone, my headset, keyboard and various. . . . other. . . . peripherals had monopolized the rest of the I/O ports. I had to spend the next half hour trying to figure out what devices could function normally on USB 3. Let that sink in, I’ll repeat it for you, a half hour, trying to juggle 8 USB ports. At this point VR and the Oculus had better be the best experience in my life and completely worth everything, and not give me eye cancer.
So a half hour later, and language that would make a dock worker, a marine and a Drill Sergeant proud, I had remedied the problem. I don’t remember much about that time, except for the fact that poor LadyDrake demanded that I buy her ice cream to make up for whatever I said (she mumbled something about a tree and a physically impossible position). I had the sensors plug in so that the software could properly read them, and they could almost read me. Every time the touch sensors got a little closer to reading, or they would fumble their way into the sensor’s range they would glitch out and fail to completely calibrate. The pain and rage were real. We were 6 real hours and 58 subjective years into this project, and I was getting ready to punch out and take my gold watch and retire.
I was able to bypass that part of the calibration, I am sad to say that I did have to invoke some of the lesser known chaos gods from the Warhammer pantheon, specifically Necoho, in order to make this happen, but happen it did, and I was ready to hop into the world of virtual reality. At long last my journey was over, I was ready to become a snobby VR gamer and enjoy all that it had to offer me.
I closed my eyes, put on the headset and my headphones. Took a deep breath and opened my eyes. What I saw next haunts me to this day. Much like the next installment of this shitty saga will haunt you until next week.